Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 911

It's like Platoon. You've got all this fucking stuff; you have an impossible amount of shit to carry, and usually, a kid sometimes too. And I see parents all over the place with skinny little ankles and, you know, with no particular features and they just, €”life's worn them down to a basic like human shape, you know. Their personality and whatever they, the lines in their face and the chiseling is gone. They're just this thing and it's like ant strength, and you just have to, you just have to do it to get through whatever fucking, you know, we've got to get from here to there. And she didn't want to be here any more, and she has to go to the bathroom, and I've got a stroller.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I'll kill myself.

There are flaws in the way politics is reported in this country today and we should do something about it, ... Radio and television coverage of politics doesn't see its role as a mission to explain, but to destroy, in a pernicious culture in which journalists pit themselves against politicians.

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?

I'm a bitter, sad, sour young man who makes a career out of hastling people with real careers.

Is it just me or is gas high?.. They ain’t been a drive-by for three weeks. You hear niggas going, “I can’t afford to kill that motherfucker! I can’t!”

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

I have these friends, and they had a daughter recently and they named her Jessica. They spelt it J-E-S-I-K-A. They’re that kind of people.

I've learned the hard way. Now I only strive for imperfection.

I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left, I realised that there's nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I found a $100 bill on my way home.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.