Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 911
I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.
Even John's dick has a great hairline. On "Full House," John's dick had a mullet.
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
The only reason I did "Showtime" was Robert De Niro. I definitely consider him to be in the top 5 all time actors.
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.
When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. When one of us would go for the ball, we’d all go. There was no one looking for space.
We have al fresco dining in Cardiff now. Who's idea was that?! My soup's filling up quicker than I can eat it. "Who wanted coffee? Ah yes sir, well here it is. Don't worry I'll get you another one!"
What about your constitutional right to bear arms, you say. I would simply point out that you don’t have to exercise a constitutional right just because you have it. You have the constitutional right to run for president of the United States, but most people have too much sense to insist on exercising it.
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through." Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.