Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 911
I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.
So, I used to be a music teacher. I used to teach K-5 music here in New York City. I taught the recorder. Are you guys familiar with Satan's little flute? If there's music in Hell, I assure you, it is played on a recorder.
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.
You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
Ladies, you can do porn, or you can be someone who isn't summarily dismissed as a psychopath, but you can't do both.
We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.
Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?