Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 92
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn’t the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural?
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.
You know what they say: 'Once you go black, your parents don't talk to you anymore.'
I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
This annoyed me: I was on the phone with somebody today trying to get a phone number from that person and write it down, but they didn't have phone number rhythm and that pissed me off. You know what I'm talking about? Phone number rhythm. Especially if there's like an area code involved, like 'two one two - bum bum buh - bum buh bum buh!' That is the rhythm I think we're all familiar with. This guy had no clue! I was like "Okay, Hank. Gimme the number." He's like "Alright. It's two one two nine - fifteen eight eleven six fou... tw... five... eight... seven... two." "Did you throw in your zip code? Cause I got a lot of extra numbers over here. I have extra. I can almost start a new number! What do ya got?! Start again from the top!" They really screw you up on the last four numbers. That's where they get ya. "Five five five - six... teen forty one" "Dude, I already wrote the six! I made the dash too close, I can't shimmy the one in there now! Forget you!"
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
You believe the world's 12 thousand years old? "That's right." Okay I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready? "Uh huh." Dinosaurs. You know the world's 12 thousand years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.
Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.