Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 92
A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.
I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.
I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.
She's online with her friends, and little boys are starting to call the house. Oh, my God, we had a kid call the house at two in the morning. Oh, I lost it. 'Cause first of all, I'm off in La-la land with Shania Twain in the mountains somewhere. I hear a phone ring and I'm like "Who's got a phone in the mountains?" So when I realize it's my phone, I'm already a little miffed, so I go, "Hello!" And this little voice says "Uh... is Emily there?" And I go, "Dude, if you have a brain in your skull, you will hang this phone up right now!" Click. Then my wife turns to me and goes, "Bill, you've got to be nice." And I go, "No, ma'am. "Nice" stops at midnight!"
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.
If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.