Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 93

When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. It's like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant - just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, 'What are you doing?' 'Someone called him the n-word.'

Cinnamon buns, now - those are something I'd want to buy and have as a nickname. "Excuse me, are you cinnamon buns?" "You bet your sweet ass I am."

You gotta keep falling in love. You gotta believe in it. What are you going to do... give sheep the vote?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

And he was offended at my show. Not by anything that I said, but because of the fact that now at the shows I started selling T-shirts and apparently, I didn't have his size. Keep in mind, I go all the way up to five X on the T-shirts and he was like, "You don't have my size." I was like, "Dude, I didn't know they made you! I have up to five X, I don't have X!" A picture of a dinosaur on the back of the tag, you know?

I don’t get the point of drug commercials. Like the thing with the frying pan and the egg. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” Yeah, do I get bacon with this?

In reality, all men are sculptors, constantly chipping away the unwanted parts of their lives trying to create a masterpiece.

Now that's what I call high quality H2O.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

"We'll keep you in our thoughts" With the other bullshit in your heads? No, keep me out of your thoughts, because I hear some of the stuff you talk about and if that's close to what you're thinking about, I don't want to be around that, so keep me and my family out of your thoughts, unless you're thinking of making me a sandwich.

Love is very dangerous if you just have love and don't have the ability to be lovable.

Everyone keeps saying, "Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating." It's like saying, "How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she's been with Brad Pitt?" I don't care.

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.