Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 93
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
I'd rather go ice fishing, which is the dumbest thing a man can do. You're sitting essentially in an out house and it's 30 below. You've cut a hole in the ice, and you're fishing for fish that you shouldn't eat, ‘cause any fish that is down there is fucking stupid.
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: "More than just a great place to die."
Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis?
The guy is like Honduran-German. Why would you pretend to be Mexican? I think he had that intention from the beginning that he was going to play Mexican.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!
I like my coffee hot and strong, like I like my women, hot and strong... with a spoon in them.
My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"