Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 93

Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.

One of those Christmas songs says, “You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout.” How’s my wife going to get along?

My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood - he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'

The future is now! Soon every American home will integrate their television, phone and computer. You'll be able to visit the Louvre on one channel, or watch female wrestling on another. You can do your shopping at home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend from Vietnam. There's no end to the possibilities!

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

There better not be a black person in here that says they don't know nobody in jail... 'cause that's bullshit. Ray-Ray, Earl, Craig, Shorty Tim, Lil' Reg, all them motherfuckers in jail... Shonda's little brother... all of 'em, in jail... chillin'.

When Obama ran, he said, "We can change the world!" The world: can you change it back?!

There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"