Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 93

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. "Francis" was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of "Pope Boo Boo."

Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

I don’t believe for a second that weightlifting is a sport. They pick up a heavy thing and put it down again. To me, that’s indecision.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, "Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead."

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.

I also had a stuttering problem. In a Mexican home they don’t give you speech therapy; they don’t even know what speech therapy is. They just get the belt. If there’s a parrot in the house, you better talk better than the parrot.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”