Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 91
My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.
President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.
When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!
People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.
It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.
The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.
You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong. I truly love this woman, but I have the ability to have sex without any emotional involvement. It's a gift.