Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 934

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.

“(reading email) ‘Great party Arj. Best party ever.’ What a jerk!”

Let me tell you something about the porn industry... they're a little short on brains and a little high on coke, but they're scrappy.

All of those things make it look like a really hard transaction to pull off. But it can be done.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”

[On Her Best Friend's Pregnancy]<br /> I'll never forget how she told us. She took us all out to brunch, and she was like, 'You guys, I'm keeping this one.'

Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.

When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

I like the mocha cappuccino orgasm myself.

I always thought that as long as man is mortal, he will never be relaxed.