Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 934
I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.
My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'
We just jumped out and started shooting with the band, and then one thing led to another. You see it unfold in the movie, but by the end of just hanging with them we had decided, 'Why don't we have them come to Brooklyn?' It was pretty awesome.
I never thought I want to do anything, really, except not go to work properly and turn up at the same place every day and eat sandwiches in the same canteen, if I can possibly help it, as I don't think I'd be very good at it.
People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.
I was really gifted at being able to construct a joke, but it's like they weren't even memorable, my first jokes, because they were so about nothing.
I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.