Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 935
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.
That's a device. I like to think about it as a little bit of a mystery ... the director describes it as a statement of authorship. It's kind of a sophisticated concept, but I like to think of it almost as my character looking back intellectually, but not at an advanced age.
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
I do like men and I had, you know, a guy in high school that I wanted to marry desperately. He's the mayor of some small town in Texas. I could be the mayor's wife right now.
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'
Your services might be as useful as a barber’s shop on the steps of a guillotine.
In talking to girls I could never remember the right sequence of things to say. I'd meet a girl and say, "Hi, was it good for you too?" If a girl spent the night, I'd wake up in the morning and then try to get her drunk.
In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.