Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 936

I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.

I don't know what it is about accents that makes me want to get undressed and high-five myself.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

I'm actually pretty athletic. I have to work out just to look fat.

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that weird ass hole you have in your neck. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.