Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 937
Breaking News : Prince Harry met some children yesterday who`d been blown up in landmines. "How do you cope being legless everyday?" the kids asked Harry.
You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"
You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.
In New York, we're out of road salt. So for the next big storm they have to use parmesan cheese.
An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.
Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."
Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.
Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.
We just jumped out and started shooting with the band, and then one thing led to another. You see it unfold in the movie, but by the end of just hanging with them we had decided, 'Why don't we have them come to Brooklyn?' It was pretty awesome.
People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.