Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 939
Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?
I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!
In a statement to the Associated Press earlier in the year, Jamie Lynn said she didn't have a boyfriend. She said, "I'm keeping my options open." And by options, she meant legs.
Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
You might be a redneck if you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You might be a redneck if you've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it's about fudge packing and triple D's at 13.
Is global warming new? I don't know. When I was young I remember the sun being hot.
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan's part in World War II. However, he still hasn't mentioned anything about karaoke.
Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock
So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.'