Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 939
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.
Our culture is just a series of checks and balances. The whole idea that we're in a battle between tyranny and freedom - it's a series of pendulum swings.
My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.
Did you know that diarrhea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: "I'm such a klutz!" But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.
On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.
Charlie Chaplin is the greatest artist of the 20th century. He takes me from laughter to tears in seconds. And he was one of the very first funny men. It’s like the original violins were made in Cremona and there’s never been any better since. Sometimes the best come right off the bat.
I’m actually thinking of getting a dog. My parents actually said to me the other day, “Your little apartment? That’s a horrible, terrible place for a dog.” Yeah, but I live there. At least the dog doesn’t have to shave in the toilet like I do.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.