Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 939

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.

Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.

Some PR is about getting information about a great product or thingy out to the people who would enjoy it, while other PR is about creating a web of lies that conceals the fact that your company harnesses the energy produced by rape and uses it to make a chemical that kills forests for fun. Either way, you're going to need it.

My boobs are so low I had to put curb feelers on my nipples!

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

Where there's a will - there's a relative!

I'll never forget my first words in the theatre. "Peanuts. Popcorn."

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

Don't tell God!

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?

I don't talk soft, that's that other dude.

The claim that somehow raw foods give you better energy, are more healthful, improve your immune system and all of that is simply not substantiated. And moreover, it's not biologically plausible.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.