Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 940
Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.
Sitting around with funny people, banging out jokes and creating a television show. I have no hobbies, no outside interests. I'm fine with spending 14 hours a day putting a show together with tape and string.
Researches reported that they developed a "self-healing" plastic that repairs itself if cracked. The plastic will change the way airplanes are built and medicine is practiced. In a related story, Joan Rivers will never die.
Well! I feel happy these days. I've started taking a herbal anti-depressant. It's called Saint John's Wort. Apparently it's the best-selling anti-depressant in many places. It's the most popular anti-depressant in Germany... After, I'm guessing, amnesia...
He looked like the type of dad that volunteers to hand out the trophies to the losers in Little League. And when did that start?! You don't get a trophy for losing. You get pizza and you shut the fuck up.
The cell phone companies make you sign up for a plan, but it’s not like if you don’t follow the plan they’re cool with it. It’s like, “You can have 600 anytime minutes for 50 dollars, but if you go over that, we shoot you in the dick!”
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
If I were to die of anything vaguely sex-related or had taken Viagra, you just know there’d be headlines of ‘Russell How-hard’ in the newspapers.
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
‘I’m a gangsta, and gangstas don’t ask questions.’…yes they do ask questions! I thought that was a main point of being a gangster…’Hey, muthafucka, where’s my money??’ that’s a question…”Do you want to die tonight??’ that’s a question too…’what?what?’ That’s two questions.
These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.