Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 940
I may have been named 41st best stand-up, but my Mum still prefers Tom O’Connor.
North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.
Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?
Does your wife ever look at you with a look that if your name wasn't on bills that need to be paid you'd be out the door?
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.
Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that weird ass hole you have in your neck. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.
A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.
I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?
I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared? What the fucks's in it for you?
Aw, hell. My wife and I made a porno, good God, somehow it's wound up on the internet... Cuz I put it there! You're welcome!