Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 940

This shed does not contain me.

Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"

Breaking News : Prince Harry met some children yesterday who`d been blown up in landmines. "How do you cope being legless everyday?" the kids asked Harry.

You know you're a hot mess when the only person buying you drinks all night is yourself.

Thats great applaude to another man having sex with my girlfriend.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."

I miss dating only for that final moment you kiss goodnight, watch her get out of your car and run into the police station.

She (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.

Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

Never say to younger people "that was before your time," because the last full moon was before their time!

If I can keep away from myself I'll have a great weekend.

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.

I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest. And that's why it feels like we are polarized.