Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 938
Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone?" Never got a dinner!
Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
And my only rule being if when I wake in the morning I'm looking forward to the things that I have to do that day, then I'm on the right track.
A spa hotel? It’s like a normal hotel, only in reception there’s a picture of a pebble.
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'
My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.
Comedians walk out, get a feel for the crowd. If it's not going good, we change directions. If we got to drag your momma into this thing, we will. Whatever we got to do.
I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, midevening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-midafternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . But never at dusk! Never at dusk, I would never do that.