Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 941
I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!
They should have little disclaimer that says - "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show!"
The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.
Marriage was the only way to truly find out that I was the wrong choice.
You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn't exist.
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?
Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.