Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 941

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

I won’t say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

We've taken what was just once a racetrack and made it a multifaceted gaming destination for the entire region.

As a school board we felt it's an unfair expense to families. The lawsuit has a certain logic to it - if you have free public education, you can't put these things on top of it. It defeats the purpose.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

So, my dad's like, 'You're not a lesbian, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a lesbian. I sleep with guys all the time.' He's like, 'Well, you're not a hooker, are you?' I'm like, 'No, I'm not a hooker. I don't charge people.'

I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.

I will suffice to say, ‘sod off and if we ever meet again it will be one billion years too soon’

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic.

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?