Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 942
She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.
I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.
I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.
I thought comedy would be the hardest thing I could do, and if I could do that, I could do anything.
I don't get it, how does a guy look at his girlfriend without doubling over?
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you're busy interrupting.
My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.
'Cause every woman in here, ever since you were … every guy you met has been trying to fuck you. That's right.
My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.
I've been trying to find women writers for my staff for a while now and I have three women on my staff and three guys so it's pretty equal. I don't know why that is. It's been the same thing for a while. It's hard for female comedians to stand out. That's weird. That's a shame.
“My wife and I both made a list of 5 people we could sleep with…she read hers out and there were no surprises…1 George Clooney…2 Brad Pitt etc…I thought ‘Ive got the better deal here’…1 Your sister”