Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 942
I feel like a divorced woman in her 40s, all I need is some cat hair and it’ll be complete.
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."
After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
In the lobby before the show some guy’s like, “Jeff, your eyes look red. Are you stoned?” I’m like, “Dude, it’s my allergies.” He goes, “What are you allergic to?” “Pot”
Venus de Milo’s mother, who once said to Venus, "You never call me. Can’t you pick up a phone?" Never got a dinner!
Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently...
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
Police blog or entertainment news, it's just good to see your name in print.
It’s important to spend time with them... I want my grandchildren to be brought up the same way I raised my children.
I enjoyed writing for someone else's voice, but I wasn't very good at it.
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
If that man in the PTL is such a healer, why can't he make his wife's hairdo go down?
It felt like such a right idea that it didn't bother me to put it away, because I knew it would be ready when it's ready. When I had kids, I realized I understood my parents better. I had more compassion for them and I look at my kids and realize, 'Oh, man. This is just the same cycle all over again.'