Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 944

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window!

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Oh, God! Get me out of this Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Kim Kardashian, talentless slut decade!

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

You can tell when you’ve gained too much weight when you move and you smell it. You be like, “Oh shit, is somebody eating tacos in this motherfucka?”

It's not an issue per say, but I would urge people to help create an atmosphere where they don't see this complete ideological divide.

I was the editor of the school newspaper and in drama club and choir, so I was not a popular girl in the traditional sense, but I think I was known for being relatively scathing.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

These days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.

There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "Yes!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."

Now I'm used to my daily, almost hourly, outrage at what's happening in this country.

I'm just saying we can all work on our manners. We can say please and thank you. We can be punctual. We can just be nicer to one another. It's something we have in our power to do.