Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 944

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

If you've got a dollar and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've got 71 cents left; But if you've got seventeen grand and you spend 29 cents on a loaf of bread, you've still got seventeen grand. There's a math lesson for you.

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

I'm trying hard not to use a specific reference, but you'll probably know it's you after the first sentence.

Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

I lived at home till I was 29.

Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.