Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 945

Capote, of course, addressed very similar themes to Good Night and Good Luck. Both films are about determined journalists defying obstacles in a relentless pursuit of the truth. Needless to say, both are period pieces.

My age makes all my wrinkles and gray hair make sense.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife.

It is our swan song, and winning kind of symbolizes the closure at the end, and I miss it already. I'm gonna go bawl now.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

If you can't trust your coke dealer, who can you trust?

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.