Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 945
You know what's the greatest part of anything ever in the history of everything? Exaggeration. No, wait; it's correcting yourself. No, better yet, it's making lists.
My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
Ivory's the kind of girl who gets drunk and immediately starts slurring. I have a lot of friends like that, and I think it's because it makes me look more together.
I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?
I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
I don't call her my middle child, I call her my center child, Because the world revolves around her.
When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'
My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.
The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.