Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 943
Why are we still embarrassed about the condom machine? The only blokes who are not embarrassed are the blokes who don't get any! You know, they wait in the bog, pound in hand, and as soon as someone comes in they're like "Come on! come on! I've got birds waiting!"
I don't call her my middle child, I call her my center child, Because the world revolves around her.
(about cars) “I would say ‘has it got a cup holder, and will it make birds touch my cock?’”
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take it 'cos he was dying. It's not that he doesn't love me, 'cos he does. It's just that special kind of love that feels like neglect.
The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.
When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.
Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.