Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 943

You got to be careful of the company you keep.

I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

My wife has a keen sense of humor. The more I humor her, the better.

She said, 'I'm your biggest fan,' and I said, 'Who are you?' She said, 'Paris Hilton.'

I suppose I grew up wishing I was an American Jew for the comedy and the one-liners. ... actress who does a Holocaust movie because, as she explains, it's a surefire way to finally win an Oscar.

When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Statistics indicate that the average American is a guy named Brian who lives in Ohio.

Going there is paying your dues. You always have to pay your dues... You've just got to do it. Maybe I come from a working family. Maybe it's the voice of my mom saying, 'You've always got to be nice to people.' I look at it as saying it's going to be fun. Those people are going to be really, really happy.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

I lived at home till I was 29.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.