Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 946

But then, like George Michael in a men's bathroom, I got cocky.

That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!

Slaves built all this shit down here.. Or carried the shit that built it.. (on New Orleans)

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

I'm sorry, those pictures from the Abu Ghraib. At first, they, like infuriated me, I was sad. Then like, a couple days later, after they cut the guy's head off, they didn't seem like much. And now, I like to trade them with my friends.

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.