Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 946
For a long time I thought I knew for sure who I was. I grew up in New Orleans and became a comedian. And there was everything that came along with that. The nightclubs. The smoking. The drinking. Then I turned 13.
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
Anyone who says "I would never hit a woman" hasn't met my x girlfriend.
Fang came home loaded one night, went into the closet and said: "Third floor, please."
What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?
He was a multi-millionaire... Wanna know how he made all of his money? He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in...
I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Touch my vagina," and she's like, "What!" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.
I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.