Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947
If we did a reunion show we should do it now and show it in 10 years just so everybody still looks good.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Love at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of "what if" when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.
Gay comics have actually gotten popular. Which I think is great. Somebody called be up from Tulsa, Oklahoma and they said “We’re putting a comedy show together and we called you because we need a strong lesbian.” <br /> “You want me to tell jokes or move stuff?”
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Oh, God! Get me out of this Paris Hilton-Lindsay Lohan-Kim Kardashian, talentless slut decade!
My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.