Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947

I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

She was nice to him on Valentine’s Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.

The successful golfers - they're like astronauts or pilots. They have that demeanor that they can focus and stay within that one moment and nothing distracts them. That's not me.

Denmark is charging a fat food tax on cheese, meat, and oil. Here, we call that the Denny's Grand Slam breakfast.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I've been using money.

You should be as alive as you can, until you're totally dead!

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I don't get along with anything, I really don't. I'm just - I'm, I'm, maybe I'm just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.