Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 947

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?'

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

She (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.

I'm trying hard not to use a specific reference, but you'll probably know it's you after the first sentence.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera, doesn't it?

Whatever makes “Hey Ya” good, it is the evil side of that. It is the anti-matter to the matter of “Hey Ya.”

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings.

People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.

Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.

This person at the next table is a fabulous drag queen. I didn't get it until I just looked up.

What also helps our show is that we never take ourselves seriously.

One phrase you don’t want kicking off your obituary is, "Never, in the long history of bungee jumping…"

I may have been named 41st best stand-up, but my Mum still prefers Tom O’Connor.

My family tree had some poisonous roots.