Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 959

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

I realized on our first wedding anniversary that our marriage was in trouble. Fang gave me luggage. It was packed.

Conservatives say if you don't give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money.

This job has explained to me who I am - I'm not kidding. I always knew I was an actor, but kind of not. I always knew I was a writer, but kind of not. I knew was a producer, but kind of not. It's really a peculiar confluence of skills and experiences that put you in the right position to do this job. But I know now what I am. I'm this. Whatever this is. Now that I know this it's really helped me in my life.

Yes, I'm known as America's most genuine comedian.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

Love is like a lost fart… if you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

If you're walking down a street, it is never funny to pick up a child and run.