Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 959

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.

I'm just happy our nations are on the same page of keeping shitty reality TV on the air. Small world!

My first day as a woman and I am already having hot flushes.

I just brush it off and try to make a joke about it. Over the years it's been interesting.

I wouldn't want to be someone's roommate, that's for sure. You can't do certain things: you can't leave the bathroom door open... you can't put your feet on the couch, you can't hide stuff in the couch.

When I first started doing comedy years ago, I used to be the biggest Michael Richards fan. I used to love this dude. He was on a TV show called 'Fridays,' and man, he was tall and lanky - and I was tall and lanky. I love physical comedy, and he was a physical comedian, and I said, 'Man, I love this guy.'

Old people can't fall asleep in their chair in peace. As soon as they start to nod off you go, "Nan! Nan!" They go, "What? What?" "Oh sorry we thought you'd just di..."

The first person I learned I could make happy with laughter was my mother, whom I idolize. It was a powerful thing to realize. I knew I had found my life's work.

She (his wife) is the wind beneath my wings.

A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

People laugh to forget their troubles, and to forget their troubles they like to look at people who aren't doing better than they are.

Hanging out with comics, all they did was make fun of me.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

You see much more of your children once they leave home.