Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 959

You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

My touring has never stopped; from the time I started doing stand-up, I've been on the road.

We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

Just because he’s busy doesn’t make him more valuable. “Busy” does not mean “better”.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

I love this game!