Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 963
Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.
Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.
A well-known Huston stripper reportedly twerked so hard that she suffered a miscarriage on stage… Not the punchline. Because in her defense, she did tell everybody, ‘I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly’.
I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.
That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.