Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 963
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.
I got an E-Trade account. Turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week. Sure, I had to pay some fees...
Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.
Crazy? ... Maybe. But that's a good kind of crazy. It's a guy who knows what he wants.
I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
It is a little ironic that one thing a babysitter should not do is sit on a baby.
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh... is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh... and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh... try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
It's ironic that in our culture everyone's biggest complaint is about not having enough time; yet nothing terrifies us more than the thought of eternity.