Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 962
While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.
Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.
I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
I understand porno and I understand getting high, but getting scared? What the fucks's in it for you?
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”