Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 962

Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!

Your self-esteem is a notch below Kafka.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

Being famous is great, it's not like bad or horrible or anything.

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

Paul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.

I make my own water - two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

I can't go back now. I've done it. I've gone and done it.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!