Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 987

Why is monotheistic faith better than polytheistic? I mean, either you believe – if you believe in, like, a magic person who can do magic things, why is it different – so different if it’s Superman or the Fantastic Four?

Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

You exaggerate your own reactions.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.

The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

It used to be Rhodesia, before they killed all them white muthafuckas.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

Political correctness seems to me to be about an institutionalized politeness at its worst.

You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.

I know one or two people have heckled, but I will kill you!

No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.