Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 987
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
We spend so much money on these dresses that are terrible. And what do we get out of it? Nothing - a piece of chicken and a roll in the hay with her hillbilly cousin - no thank you. My family's very close; I can do that at home.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.
I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.
How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?