Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 987
The NFL draft is going to be this Thursday. That's a huge night for college players. That's the night they start being paid over the table.
... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.
Santa blows all these shipping companies away. He delivers more than 2 billion packages in just 24 hours. He does it by sleigh. He doesn’t use tracking numbers and doesn’t use trucks. He just uses midgets and a giant bag.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.