Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 988
iPod now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A book of matches, some oily rags, a little brother… that's all they need.
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "Yes!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.
Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn." Never got a dinner!
"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.
I didn't know you could name a Puerto Rican 'Israel' 'cause I'm pretty sure you'll never meet a Jew named 'Puerto Rico.'
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.