Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 988
We have two dogs, Mabel and Wolf, and three cats at home, Charlie, George and Chairman. We have two cats on our farm, Tom and Little Sister, two horses, and two mini horses, Hannah and Tricky. We also have two cows, Holy and Madonna. And those are only the animals we let sleep in our bed.
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
Here’s how bizarre the war is that we’re in in Iraq, and we should have known this right from the get-go: When we first went into Iraq, Germany didn’t want to go. Germany. The Michael Jordan of war took a pass.
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
"Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"
They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.
I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semicircle.