Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989

To be with another woman, that is French. To be caught, that is American.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

...you're nuts but you're welcome here.

Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

I don't go out nightclubbing anymore. I can't do it. I never got it with bouncers. I mean proper nightclub bouncers. You know, the ones that look like boiled egg on top of a stuffed beanbag. Sorry, Dara O'Briain.

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.

What goes up must come down, which is why I don't wear tube tops.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

It's a shame about the fish, it's a shame about the lake. But it'd be worse if it burst and people died.