Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989
You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.
There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.
Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, "Christ, what's that smell?"
If studies on lab rats are any indication, human beings have a deep-seated fear of a big, scary cat being let into their cage.
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'