Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 989
In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.
It's hard to really look at somebody and go: "Hey, maybe something nice will happen." You just don't - I know too much about life to have any optimism, because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.
If you’re drunk please don’t drive. If you’re on shrooms please don’t think Walmart’s a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."
Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.
I got myself a snack of low-sodium, low-fat Triscuits. If they were lower in anything else the box would be empty.
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.