Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 990

What hair color do they put on the driver's license's of bald men?

I like American women. They do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing - like showering.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

I have never been in a bad mood and near a beach ball at the same time. Causation? Correlation? Or fate?

I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.

You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.

I know one or two people have heckled, but I will kill you!

No, I did not really punch the woman in the Honeymooners bit. We had a makeup artist punch her.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.

I can't think of a worse place to be, without a passport, without any money, ... Then you'd be really screwed.

Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

My career has been my craziest adventure.