Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 990
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.
Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.
I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.
Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.
If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.
We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.
... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
When you're in your 20s and 30s and you drop some weight, people notice, they're nice about it. They're like, 'Hey man, you look good!' But when you're in your 40s and you lose weight, people are like, 'You doin' all right?'
I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”