Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 990
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.
She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
I expected to much from my expectations fast and I'm all screwed up again... but I expected that to happen.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
Start thinking positively. You will notice a difference. Instead of 'I think I'm a loser,' try 'I definitely am a loser.' Stop being wishy-washy about things! How much more of a loser can you be if you don't even know you are one? Either you are a loser or you are not. Which is it, stupid?
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.