Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.