Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

I love Steven Wright.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.