Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

He who hesitates is probably right.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

At one point he decided enough was enough.