Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.