Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.