Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.