Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.