Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.