Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.