Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.