Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

A man says to another man, 'Can you tell me how to get to Central Park?' The guy says no. 'All right,' says the first, 'I'll mug you here.'

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.