Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.