Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.