Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!