Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.