Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.