Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!