Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.