Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.