Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.