Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.