Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.