Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.