Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie.”