Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.