Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."