Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.