Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.