Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.