Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I love Steven Wright.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?