Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.