Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets