Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.