Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”