Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

We women have to stick together.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'