Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.
But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.