Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”