Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.