Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.