Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!