Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

He who hesitates is probably right.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.