Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.