Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.