Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I love Steven Wright.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.