Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.