Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

So I'm trying to undress this woman with my eyes... but I got them caught in her zipper.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."