Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.