Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!