Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.