Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.