Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.