Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.