Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.