Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.