Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.