Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.