Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.