Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.