Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.