Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.