Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.