Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I'm really funny now.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.