Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.