Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.