Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.