Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

George Bush hates midgets.