Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.