Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] What is Stephen Hawking's personal best for the London marathon?
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.