Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.