Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.