Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.