Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.