Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.