Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.