Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".