Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I love Steven Wright.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.