Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!