Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.