Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.