Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.