Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!