Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I love Steven Wright.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.