Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.