Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.