Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.