Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.