Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.