Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.