Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.