Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.