Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"