Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?