Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.