Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.