Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.