Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.