Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."