Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I lapsed into rude.