Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

I may even show up behind the camera. I love to put things together; I love to give direction. I have a great eye for pace.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

They’ve bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they’ve put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don’t have to wake anybody up!

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.