Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.