Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they’ve launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.