Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.