Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

18,873 quotes

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

When you and your friends are just hanging out, you don't consider your buddies to have one specific style of comedy, you just like to shoot the shit, and whatever is funny works. And that's my mentality on stage. I don't care to be like "I'm the performer. Sit, listen, and laugh." I want it to feel like we're all just hanging out. And that's how I tell my stories.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.