Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.