Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.