Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.