Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.