Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I'm nothing if not an optimist.