Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.