Quotes & Jokes about Golf / page 3

I didn’t have a priviledged childhood like a lot of you. I grew up on a public golf course and that’s embarrassing. I lived on the right side of the fairway. All these hacks slicing into your yard. You don’t hear “Fore!” while you’re mowing. “Nothing runs like a Deere.” ‘Til a Titleist is lodged in your carburator.

I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle's golf bag doesn't have a full set of irons?

So two women who had been shot were discovered on a golf course. It sounds like someone got a hole in one and a hole on the other one.

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Ours is a youth culture, and like a golf tournament, we honor only low scores.

I started playing golf when I was a kid, because across the street from where we lived there was a little nine-hole golf course where my father worked.

There would be nothing to get me to run for president. I don't even understand how anyone would want that job at all. Although I would be able to play golf which I don't seem to have time now.

If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?

I think one reason people play golf is it allows them to obsess about something other than the daily crap. It takes your mind off that.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

If I get a week off, I'll go to a hotel that has a golf course. I like to come downstairs and go right onto the course. I'll do that five days in a row.