Quotes & Jokes about Husband / page 2

60 quotes

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.

I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time... husband!

You know what bugs me? When a woman is expecting and her bonehead husband runs around going, "We're pregnant!" We're pregnant. Yeah, and my balls itch pal.

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.