Quotes & Jokes about Husband / page 2

Your husband is lazy if when he leaves the house, he finds out which way the wind is blowing and goes that direction.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch."

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

A survey asked married women when they most want to have sex. 84 per cent of them said right after their husband is finished.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

Your husband is lazy if the directions on his medicine say, “A teaspoon before going to bed,” and in one day he uses seven bottles.

I used to sell marijuana to my son’s mom’s new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had the kid.

My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.

My husband killed himself. And it was my fault. We were making love and I took the bag off my head.

She sits down across the table from me, and didn't say "Hi, hello, my name is..." She just said "this is what I'm going to tell my husband when he gets home from work today. I'm going to tell him that I had lunch with Jeff Foxworthy."

I became a stand-up comedienne because I had a sit-down husband.

You know what bugs me? When a woman is expecting and her bonehead husband runs around going, "We're pregnant!" We're pregnant. Yeah, and my balls itch pal.

There's nothing wrong with dating younger men. My husband and I, we get along except for music because music dates you. He loves hip-hop - that's his thing, he loves rap music - but I like jazz. But he's started to enjoy jazz because I like to listen to jazz while we're having sex. Yeah, right, so now he loves jazz because he associates it with sex. He hears that jazz, he's like, 'That's my cue! It's on now!' But now, I can't even enjoy my music. I'm listening to Miles Davis, washing dishes. I turn around, he's standing there butt naked: 'Did ya call me?'