Quotes & Jokes about Kids / page 3

I can't play no slave. I got three kids, man. How my kids going to respect me if they see me playing a slave? "Little Damon, you get down off that chair before I spank your behind." "Yeah, you weren't so tough when mastuh was kicking your ass."

A doctor was telling me a lot of people aren't getting their kids circumcised. How many people aren't doing it? I'm not looking to be a trendsetter when it comes to my kid's penis. I don't want my kid to be the only guy in the locker room with a schlong that looks like it's about to rob a bank.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Fatherhood means a great deal to me. I love it. To me, there aint nothing better, because your kids keep it real with you. When you think things are bad, you look at them and they show you how things could be all right, and it's all worth it.

The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.'

Being single at 41 after ten years of marriage and two kids is difficult. That’s like having a bunch of money in the currency of a country that doesn’t exist anymore.

On Thanksgiving, I visit the hospital and deep fry turkeys for the kids in the burn unit, just to see the looks on their "faces."

No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.

Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8 degrees. My kids’ kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.

Your parents put a curse on you Someday your kids are going to act just like you.

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

I just feel like every kid is growing up too fast and they're seeing too much. Everything is about sex, and that's fine for me. I'm not saying I don't like it. But I don't think it should be everywhere, where kids are exposed to everything sexual. Because they have to have some innocence; there's just no innocence left.