A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.
Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Friends
I, ah... this abortion issue in the States is dividing the country right in half. You know, and even amongst my friends - we're all highly intelligent - they're totally divided on the issue of abortion. Totally divided. Some of my friends think these pro-life people are just annoying idiots. Other of my friends think these pro-life people are evil fucks. How are we gonna have a consensus? I'm torn. I try and take the broad view and think of them as evil, annoying fucks.
I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend's a guy who will help you move. A best friend's a guy who will help you move a body. That's how I look at it.
You ever get sick and one of your friends gives you medical advice? And they tell you that they're not a doctor - like you didn't know it?
You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.
MySpace is a great way to keep in touch with friends who you don't care enough about to actually have a conversation with, why bother calling to say "how are you," when you can just surf their page and post an mpeg of a guy farting on his cat.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.