Quotes & Jokes about Friends / page 2

Friends should always tell you the truth. But please don’t.

I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring.

I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.

Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin' to borrow money. I've always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.

She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

So all my friends have kids now... which I think is rude.

All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.