Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Police

21 quotes

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

Women are like the police, they could have all the evidence in the world but they still want the confession.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Child pornography is the only crime that you cannot report to the police as an eyewitness.

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say "Stop, or I'll say stop again."

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people "the cops." But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

My favorite people to have fun with are police officers 'cause they're so serious, you know.

Police in Washington D.C. are now using cameras to catch drivers who go through red lights. Many congressmen this week opposed the use of the red light cameras incorrectly assuming they were being used for surveillance at local brothels.

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? "Maybe I did kill them people."

If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.