Quotes & Jokes about Wife / page 3

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.