Quotes & Jokes about Wife / page 3

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

My whole approach to marriage is simple: my wife will do something that drives me insane, I won't say anything, and then, later, I'll die of cancer.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage: the wife is in charge.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

When the child is twelve, your wife buys her a splendidly silly article of clothing called a training bra. To train what? I never had a training jock. And believe me, when I played football, I could have used a training jock more than any twelve-year-old needs a training bra.

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.

So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.