Quotes & Jokes about Wife / page 2

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom."

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.