Quotes & Jokes about Wife / page 2

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to fucking leave.

I was just surprised when my wife told me we were having a baby. I was like, "Wow, that's awesome. You're going to make a great single mom."

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

I have a wife back in LA who is so pissed at me... yeah, she’s so mad I’m sleeping with her husband.

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

I’m not even worried about settling down. I think it’s way too early. I’m 25 and I’m in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn’t even been born yet.

It sure is a beautiful day. Know why? My wife walked out on me. Isn't that nice? I'm so glad the bitch is gone.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

My wife was a beautiful woman before we had children.

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."