Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1006
I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
"Do you know what it is sir? Do you know what the Dance Dance Revolution is? It's not an actual revolution, so you don't have to worry about that. It's not like a bunch of Asians are going to knock on your door 'Hey! Start dancing!'"
I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
I'm doing 5000 seat theaters and audiences are going nuts, it's fantastic and it makes me very happy. I'm dirty, but not like this; I just do comedy that I find funny. I'm working on a new tv show for cable and it's not set up yet.
Girls throw their panties on the stage, but rarely if ever do they fit.
Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
I would have felt a little funny if another actor was playing this role.
I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"