Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1006
A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I would do a scene with a little kid and they’d turn to me afterwards and say, "I love you Eddie Murphy". That’s a new thing for me, to have a co-star in a scene turn to me and tell me they love me. In "48 Hours" Nick Nolte never turned to me and said "I love you Ed”.
Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
I loved Peter Sellers. I thought he was the perfect mix of physical comedy with out-of-the-box humor. I loved his tone; I loved his physicality; I loved everything about what he was doing as a comedic actor.
I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.
I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.
If you're at a party with more than five people named Chad, get the fuck out right away.
Wouldn't it have been weird to go to high school with the Pope? You know, somebody did, someone's sitting at home, watching TV in Poland, they see the Pope, they think, "That guy was a jerk! He was so mean to me and now he's Pope? I got a swirly from the Pope!"
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
People watch TV on their laptops. I got the laptop, this has made me so lazy, this is ruining my life. I don't even turn off mine anymore. Do you? I just close mine. I can't be bothered with all that "Shutdown? Are you sure?" Questions, questions!