Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.
My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.
I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.
I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?