Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007
If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.
I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.
With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.
They used to have a smoking section at most airports. No more. They now have these glass-encased rooms. You're not just a smoker, you're an example to other people. You're an exhibit at a futuristic zoo.
You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
I read somewhere that hair grows until you reach 40, then it goes in the opposite direction, into the head, and out the ears, nose and other odd places.