Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007
You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
I just think they should get a fair shake. They didn't. They didn't have the rights regular criminals get.
Have you ever been to an AA meeting? No wonder these people are alcoholics - I've never needed a drink more badly in my life.
Isn't that just being a whore? You don't need to join a club. Close your legs, sister.
The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.