Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1007

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.

How many advantages can one person have? I'm a white man!

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.

I'm competitive at everything.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.

My girlfriend sleeps in a queen-sized bed and I sleep in a court jester-sized bed.

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

I just think they should get a fair shake. They didn't. They didn't have the rights regular criminals get.