Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011

The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.

Or is it that I think too much?

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

Boy George has been charged with falsely imprisoning a man who'd gone to his apartment to pose for photographs. Going to Boy George's house to get your picture taken is like going to David Copperfield's island for a "radio opportunity".

According to the Mayans, the world is supposed to end in the year 2012. Are you buying that? When's the last time you even ran into a Mayan?

You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

And He saw that it was good!

If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …

Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

I've never made love to a ghost but I have made love to men who are a few years away from becoming a ghost.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

The amazing thing is there are people who've never left this country who talk about the fact that we're the greatest country on Earth. How fucking dumb is that?! Cuz you don't know, if you haven't left here you don't know. There are countries that may be giving shit away every day! Canada's one of those countries. You know what they give away? Health insurance!

You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.