Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011
Here's what the right-wing has in, there's no shortage of the natural resources of ignorance, apathy, hate, fear. As long as those things are in the collective conscious and unconscious, the Republicans will have some votes.
I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.
One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’ I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?
The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
North Korea are testing nuclear weapons. Why? Don’t worry Korea! Nobody wants to get you. That’s like Ann Widdecombe buying a rape alarm.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night... And reduce the crime rate.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
When you speak directly at things and don't say you're going to try to do something or that you hope to do something, the universe will work with you. Think about it this way - a boomerang goes out and comes back to you if you throw it. If you throw it out at the universe, it will come back down to you on Earth.
You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.