Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.

If the presidency is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation's survival.

You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.

The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

Honest or not, in what world is a 35:1 leveraged position sane?

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!