Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

After seeing Condit last night, we now realize how great a liar Clinton was.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

"I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda."

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

You might be a redneck if your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems. It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people and it's cool.

I don't do one show and wish I was doing something else.

Our freedoms are under siege - for our own good, they tell us.

Reform Jews are the children of Conservative Jews, or as they are sometimes known, Christians with curlier hair.

It's a shame about the fish, it's a shame about the lake. But it'd be worse if it burst and people died.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.