Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1011

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

You might be a redneck if... you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

My neighbor's pit bull just attacked their baby. Their kid is fine. But the baby's dead.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they're so suggestible.

Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?