Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?
Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"
It's totally free. It is the complete freedom of performance. The first time the monologue is performed is when you see it on TV, and it'll never be seen again. It's pure TV. Bam! It's there, and then it's gone.
A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”
I would only take a role that I know I'm comfortable in and I can do. I've turned down plenty of things because I'd feel it's not me, and I wouldn't want to come on someone's project and flip that.
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.