Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039
Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.
[If this is the answer, what is the question: Up To 18 Months] How long is a Scottish winter?
I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think 'Oh my God, I'm James Blunt, what have I done?'
I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.
How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.
A constant question you get asked as a comedian by journalists is “when did you first realize you wanted to be a comedian?” And you never hear the honest response from people, which is, “well, when all the career dreams my parents had for me died in the gutter like a fairgrounds fish.”
We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.
This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.
If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.