Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039
When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?
I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.
Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.
I’m relaxed about my career. I’ve been making movies for over 20 years, so I’ve earned at least the right to relax.
There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behaviour. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.