Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1039

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

Aldous Huxley took the drug mescaline and then chronicled his experience in the book The Doors of Perception. Now, I don't actually think that's the first thing he wrote: he probably wrote 'my brain is melting' ten thousand times, but it was the book that the critics latched on to.

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behaviour. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

Girls that prevent other girls from getting laid - twat swatters.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

The planets. Now footnote, I’m including Pluto in the planets, because I think it’s terrible what they did to Pluto. And it’s still a planet to me. I grew up with Pluto as a planet, it will always be a planet.