Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1038

I actually like talking.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.

You know, just right place right time, lucked up. Thank God for animation. I can turn down a lot of movies now.

Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cleared that up. I'm ready to move on.

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.