Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1038

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.

My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.