Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1040
A Bay Area Bisexual told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
If we’re friends with someone and attracted to them, we’re going to want to take it further.
I believe everything I say in the show, but I don't walk around in my everyday life like some incensed Rasputin. If I did, do you know how alone I'd be in the world?
I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.
(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
They always have a sign at the beach, "no glass bottles". I think that's so the other sand particles don't feel like under-achievers.