Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1040

The more women walk around in sweat pants, the harder it is to tell who's out jogging and who's running away from a mugger.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

I'm proud to be part of a generation where reading is a 'look.'

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

It's really the kids that do you in. We have two kids. That's fucking stupid. Don't do that.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.

Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.