Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1040
I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.
One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.