Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.

You are what you do. It's about actions.

What’s a Jewish mobster? I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

Dell Computers announced they're releasing a competitor for the iPad. Now it is, in fact, a great alternative for people who already have an iPad, but are fed up with it working all the time.

I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.