Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

I think of myself as a comedian who has the pleasure of writing jokes about things that I actually care about. And that's really it. You know, if I really wanted to enact social change I have great respect for people who are in the front lines and the trenches of trying to enact social change. I am far lazier than that.

Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation.

They say the measure of a man is judged by the company he keeps. I'm fucked.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I can't sing. Never been able to sing. I can't do voices very well. Every impression I do sounds the same. I can't dunk. Man, would I give anything to dunk. Just once.

Using profanity is an indicator that you lack class, or feel strongly about being something, and want to get your fuckin' point across.

It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.