Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

You know, I think you're a very special unit.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

One time I love to shop is after a bad relationship. I go and buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. Sometimes if I see a really great outfit I’ll break up with someone on purpose.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.

I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

My ideal groupie would be quite emotionally distant…

Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

I realized women and humor were linked very closely.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.