Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041
I had five dollars in the bank that I couldn't have for three days until they charged me another 15. Leaving me with -10. What does that mean? I don't even have no money any more. I wish I had nothing. But I don't have it. I don't have that much. I have not ten. Negative ten. I can't afford to buy something that doesn't cost anything. I can only afford to get something that costs you give me ten dollars.
What's going on with the Oakland Raiders? You know, I don't want to say the Raiders are bad, but you know, now, a lot of fans are painting their faces just so they won't be recognized.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Victoria Beckham should get a life, I am not a fan of outrageous consumption. I think it is vulgar. And no-one should flaunt that they have a hundred Hermes $12,000 bags. Not when people are starving. Everyone should be allowed to have a great time but she shows a distinct lack of class.
We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.
There is nothing interesting about just seeing me doing the show then seeing the fans and how much people love me.
My Jihad energy drink isn’t going to go. Ramadan noodles, not going to go. My Islamic version of the 3 Stooges, with Mohammed and whatever would be the Islamic version of Larry and Curly...
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
( Unlikely things for the Queen to include in her Christmas speech ) I've had a few medical problems this year. I'm now so old that my pussy is haunted.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.