Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1041
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.
At this point in time, that's like saying you're not 'into the phone.'
Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.
Over in Amsterdam, they spoke pot. They mix it with hash and tobacco and they roll it together. And the reason why they do that: they have so many vices, they have to combine them. “Oh, I’ll smoke pot but I don’t want to have that cut into my cigarette smoking time. I’m doin’ a hooker in 10 minutes.”
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
When you're in a relationship with someone who's selfish, what keeps you in it is the fact that when they shine on you, it's this souped-up shine. And you feel like you're in the club. And you don't even know what club it is. You just know you want to stay in it.
It is incredible to me that the whole street has to listen to your fucking dog.
When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.
There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
Actually, you know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn't tell a lie.