Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048

Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for up to 3-4 minutes a time!

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

The sixties were when hallucinogenic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.

How far would you go for someone you love ? Well, when my grandkids ask me how I pledged my love to their grandma, I'll say, I told her I would die for her, after I found out I didn't have an incurable disease. Then, I ran away while grandma was getting her ass kicked by a pregnant woman that grandpa slept with. You never know when you're making a memory.

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

I like all ladies of all different ages.

We can sit and worry about what's going to happen to us two weeks from now. I'd rather focus on the amazing things happening right in front of us.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

I get happier every day. I have a sense of accomplishment every day of my life.

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I think before giving me a credit card, they should have given me a math test. A series of story problems. “If Maria’s boyfriend is in a folk band but he only smokes pot every other day, what percentage of the rent will he be able to contribute?” Now I thought 50%. But the answer is zero.

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.