Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
MAC gave me 55 lipsticks to test. These are the same lipsticks I got caught stealing by the police when I was 15. How ironic.
My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”
( Unlikely letters for an agony aunt to receive ) I would like to trace my father , could you suggest a good marker pen ?
Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.
There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that.