Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048
Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.
You don’t mess with janitors, first of all, they have like 40 keys, and 1 is to a closet you don’t want to be inside of.
Men watch porn, get their thrills, then feel ashamed. Women watch Oprah, see people feeling ashamed, then get their thrills.
Fall is my favourite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change colour and fall from the trees.
A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."
Grandchildren can be fucking annoying. How many times can you go 'And the cow goes moo and the pig goes oink'? It's like talking to a supermodel.
I never did that badly with women when I wasn't on telly, but it's a bit out of control now. Women try it on with me more than I'm comfortable with. It's strange, because I think I look like a troll wearing a woman's wig backwards.
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I just imagine the inventor of tube socks looking at the heel of his foot and thinking, "Fuck you, pal."