Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1048

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

Leave no stone unturned in your quest to disrupt a rock garden.

My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

Have you ever noticed that good people sleep better, but bad people seem to have more fun when they're awake?

I’m whitie and I apologize.

If your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat, you might be a redneck.