Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1049

If we go down in flames, we will be laughing on the way down, believe me.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I actually like talking.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.

To be as transparent and fearless as I can here are some answers. No. No. Of course. Never. Won't happen. ASAP. I'm too afraid.

The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

I'll speak for me, though it's hard for me to speak for myself because I don't know who I am.

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

The Catholic Church is still very angry about "The Da Vinci Code" - they don't like anything that makes more money in a weekend than they do.

We spend all our time now on customer service phone calls. I used to read when I was on the toilet, but now that's when I make customer service calls.

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.