Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1047
I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.
I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!
The way I look at it, if the kids are still alive when my husband comes home from work, then I’ve done my job.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.
I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.
They really cut to the chase in the urologist’s examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
One guy I was in bed with him and he kept saying to me, “Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want? Tell me what you want?’ I want a milkshake, what do you think I want?
I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.