Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1047

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

You can't just go gay, its not like buying a ladder.

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

I'm willing to write a check for $10,000 if someone can bring to me what I fell is ruining thousands of lives, destroying lives everyday. And I know that you know it's a little thing called Chupacabra.

I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?"

Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

If you come home to a household of chaos and anger and fear, you're not going to feel protected from the world.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

You might be a redneck if your car has never had a full tank of gas.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.

In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.