Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 105
Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin.
People wrestle alligators but not once has someone done it without an audience.
You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.
Most people are dead. Hitler. Ray Charles. Some other guys. But mostly those two.
Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
Pizza Hut will accept other pizzeria's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. Mitch's Pizza - this weeks' coupon: free unlimited pizza! Special note: coupon not valid at any of Mitch's Pizza locations. "Free pizza oven with purchase of a small coke."
He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.
You’re so beautiful like a tree or a high class prostitute.
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!
I was diagnosed a number of years ago with obsessive-compulsive disorder - which everyone has, to some degree - and I have this really annoying trait where in conversation, I always steer it back to something that happened to me.
I don't like life that much. It's not that big a deal for me... I don't want to know I have cancer till it's visible to the naked eye.
They pulled out that dress, man - they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA - he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of court: 'Excuse me, your honor, she kept the dress.' 'What? Case dismissed - and get your nasty ass out of my court room. I should throw you in jail just for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass.'