Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 105
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
In today's world, you would call my father mostly unaccessible. I'm not sure that isn't true of most fathers at that time. He went through the Depression. I don't know what that would have done to my psyche.
With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.
Guys talk about masturbating a lot more than women do. Women do it, but guys talk about it all the time. There's nothing to it. Be with your friends, like, 'Hey, Walter, we're gonna shoot baskets. You want to come with us?' And your friend Walter's like, 'Nah, you know what? I'm tired, man. I'm gonna go home, crank one out and take a nap.'
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.
I look at it like that word, 'nigger', used to be a word of oppression. But that when I say it, it feels more like an act of freedom. For me to be able to say that unapologetically on television.
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I’ve never found any strange panties in my dog’s house.
Oprah didn't just bring herself, she brought her celebrity friends, because when Oprah says, "Jump," they say, "Which couch?"
My sister likes comedy. And she likes it a little mean sometimes. She'll point out your fat ass or ask if you're wearing a wig. She knows how to dish it out, too.
So Thomas Jefferson said "Every generation needs a new revolution". Now our grandparents had World War II, fought the Nazis. Our parents had the Civil Rights Revolution. Our generation has... Shamwow and Prozac. That's it, man. We just went through the worst decade since disco and how did we deal with it? We bitched on the Internet, got medical marijuana cards, and played Grand Theft Auto.
I look for women I know are gonna bust me up good. Come on, man, who can resist that? Who can resist that emotional pain? Yeah, they all have the same line, they're so sweet: "I'm not gonna hurt you like all the others. Really I'm not. I'm gonna introduce you to a whole new level of pain!"