Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 105

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'

Of course, everybody's family is dysfunctional - we've accepted that. What are we supposed to do? Hate our parents for the rest of our lives?

I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as a son, that you can never learn from Mom. Special things, important things. Like "never challenge Dad to a fist fight."

There are 249 millionaires in Congress. Remember a couple of years ago when this new Congress told us they had the solution to the recession? Apparently, they didn't share it with the rest of us.

I think the biggest challenge I have faced is that I have struggled most of my life with often crippling depression which has sometimes if not keeping me off stage kept me from writing regularly and with any kind of confidence.

Look, this is an odd question, but you're kind of cute and you're pretty nice to me. Are you drunk? It's OK if you are.

My sister likes comedy. And she likes it a little mean sometimes. She'll point out your fat ass or ask if you're wearing a wig. She knows how to dish it out, too.

Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.

Guys talk about masturbating a lot more than women do. Women do it, but guys talk about it all the time. There's nothing to it. Be with your friends, like, 'Hey, Walter, we're gonna shoot baskets. You want to come with us?' And your friend Walter's like, 'Nah, you know what? I'm tired, man. I'm gonna go home, crank one out and take a nap.'

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

And the Pope is infallible. We're taught that. Pope can't make a mistake. So I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic Church's money on 17 black.' '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!' That way they could pay off those debts they owe.

I think people talk too much anyway. Sometimes people are talking to me and in my mind I'm just like "shut up, shut up, shut up... blah blah blah blah blaaaaah."

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.