Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 106
I had that game Operation. Big naked white guy... He had no pee pee at all. He was like that guy from the movie Silence of the Lambs remember he tucked it in... "Put the lotion in the basket..." I use to do it I'd come out of my girlfriend's bathroom and go look I'm just like you! I was always afraid that one time she'd be like "Oh yeah! I'm just like you!"
I went to rent a car, and the guy goes, 'Do you want the extra insurance?' I said, 'Why...am I gonna get into an extra accident?'
Our job is improving the quality of life not just delaying death.
The world is full of a lot of fear and a lot of negativity, and a lot of judgment. I just think people need to start shifting into joy and happiness. As corny as it sounds, we need to make a shift.
They pulled out that dress, man - they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA - he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of court: 'Excuse me, your honor, she kept the dress.' 'What? Case dismissed - and get your nasty ass out of my court room. I should throw you in jail just for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass.'
Nixon's the kind of guy that if you were drowning 50 feet off shore, he'd throw you a 30 foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.
I play basketball on Sundays and I'm a very spiritual guy; I read a lot of Eastern philosophy and I meditate.
Remember that no matter how selfish, how cruel, how unfeeling you have been today, every time you take a breath, you make a flower happy.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.