Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 106

They pulled out that dress, man - they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA - he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of court: 'Excuse me, your honor, she kept the dress.' 'What? Case dismissed - and get your nasty ass out of my court room. I should throw you in jail just for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass.'

I simply care nothing for any of your religions, as all three are fundamentally flawed, unlike the Church of Common Sense, right from the start! They call God he instead of she and all three would like to burn me at the stake for saying that!

Go head on, with yo' fat apple pie ass, Aunt Bea!

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

When Obama ran, he said, "We can change the world!" The world: can you change it back?!

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

I've seen the future! It's a bald-headed man from New York!

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of L.A. in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.

I tell people, 'If you want to send a message to the White House, call my house.'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.