Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 104

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

The interesting thing about improvisation is you're making something up in front of the audience. Now music helps you out a little bit because you have an instrument that'll separate you from the audience.

It's like my brain and my penis are locked in a chess match, and I'm letting him win.

Here's the thing about Apple, we complain and they give us more battery life. We complain and they'll give us more stuff. Everything's beta right now. Everything's experimental. They really don't know what people want.

Death is nature's way of telling us to slow down.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

You aint 180lbs. You weight more than a damn car girl.

Fucking immigrants, all started with that Einstein... Once they brought him over from Germany and we didn't have any good genius jobs, it was a trickle-down effect.

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Here are the values that I stand for: honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values.

Before sleeping together today, people should boil themselves.

Maybe we should always show pictures. Bin Laden, pictures of our wounded service people, pictures of maimed innocent civilians. We can only make decisions about war if we see what war actually is - and not as a video game where bodies quickly disappear leaving behind a shiny gold coin.

I hate nickels; they're quarter impersonators.