Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 104
The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.
I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. Done!
You know we have more prescription drugs now. Every commercial that comes on TV is a prescription drug ad. I can’t watch TV for four minutes without thinking I have five serious diseases. Like: “Do you ever wake up tired in the mornings?” Oh my god I have this, write this down. Whatever it is, I have this.
Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant. You might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.
We're fighting three wars now. Imagine how many we'd be fighting if President Obama hadn't won the Nobel Peace Prize.
During the second world war Pope Pius the 12th was supposed to apologise not apologise, he was supposed to castigate Hitler for being a genocidal fuck-head with bunny rabbit ears. Um, but he didn't say that; he wimped out, and he's been renamed now, as Pope Gutless Barstard the first.
Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'
My favourite Catholic holiday is Easter. For those of you that don't know, Easter is the day we celebrate Jesus rising from the grave and coming back to Earth as a rabbit that hides coloured eggs.
As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.
Your kids should not affect my life at all, but they do; I have to pay for HBO just to hear a comedian say "fuck" to protect your kids.