Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M & M's one by one with a glass of water.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.