Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057
You got married recently to a rapper. It doesn't take them long to impregnate women.
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
Ladies, I will go to dance clubs and I will tear it up hard core… for a good thirty seconds. When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls. So we finish at the same time.
Here is a tip for all you young people drinking wine. With pasta, drink white wine. With steak, drink red wine. And if you're vegan, you're annoying.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
Sometimes girls act all TNT Network because they know drama. That's when guys get all TBS around you because we think it's very funny.
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
William Tell’s son, Telly, who said as his father was pointing the bow and arrow at the apple on his head, "There’s gotta be an easier way to kill worms." Never got a dinner!
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."