Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057

Sorry, Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someones getting hurt.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

When I first hit the scene, it was just a lot of go, go, go, go, go. I have a lot of natural energy anyway, but it was over the top.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

It's nice to finally get scripts offered to me that aren't the ones Tom Hanks wipes his butt with.

You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.