Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1057

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.

I like to read naked but only on my iPad so I can use my boob to swipe the page.

Always turn your wheel in the direction of the skid.

She was an egomaniac. We would make love. She went, 'I only want to make love on my good side.' She would have an orgasm and say, 'I love me.'

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

You might be a redneck if you use the O on a stop sign to sight your new rifle.

I don't believe in this idea of, 'That's hate speech, stop it.'

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Do women who have plastic surgery want to look like that girl from The Muppet Show, or does it just come out that way?

Centuries ago, human beings created marriage. Later, they looked to the sky and dreamt of traveling to the moon. Coincidence?

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

It was a personal achievement of mine to get on David Letterman. When I got there, I knew things were really happening for me.