Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060
To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.
When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.
There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.
I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."