Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060
Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer..." Dad, you know, keeping up with the song.
Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It's the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I see those picketers, and I think you know, if I weren't a loving, non-violent, spiritual person, I would really go over there and grab those signs and smash them over their heads and shove them up their asses. But... I'm a loving, spiritual person.