Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060

I was sick of people making fun of my hair and so I cut it off and I've got much more attention than ever before. It was like when Mona Lisa was stolen from the Louvre in 1906 - three times more people came to see where it used to be.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

Democracy is like a tambourine: not everyone can be trusted with it.

I view my own body as a petting zoo. I am the main attraction... And the only customer.

There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

If there's one thing worse than being really angry for no reason, it's suddenly remembering the reason.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

One thing I learned is that it's never OK to walk through a cemetery dressed as a mummy - even if that was a shortcut on the way to the costume party.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

When God closes a door he opens a window. Sounds to me like someone's on the toilet...

It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!