Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1060
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
If I need directions, I’m not asking a man with one tooth. I’m asking a man with one leg. Because he definitely knows the easiest way to get there.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
Ever since I've switched to the clean syringes, I've never felt better in my entire life.
Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.
My relatives all put in chips in their TV's to block my appearances.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
My religious background is that my mother is a Christian Dior Scientist.
You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.