Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it’s really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn’t want you to know.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

You know what I like? I like classic stuff. I like 'The Andy Griffith Show' - the variety of characters was so amazing to me.

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

Here’s another way to be remembered, and this one, this is more personal. It’s more for you because nobody is ever going to know that it was you, but you’ll know, and that’s all that matters. Next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are: Shit on the coats. Guaranteed, at some point somebody’s gonna walk out of that room and go, "Someone shit on the coats!"

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Have you noticed every time there's a murderer on the loose they have that advert pop up from B&Q - "this week, hatchets, half price!"

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.