Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I’ve ended up in water.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.