Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1061
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? People will find you, and that's when all the bad stuff happens, right? Just sittin around, doin nuthin, right? You know what happened one time? Drunk, nothin to do. I end up doing what? My penis in my fishtank, alright? No, i did it just to show them who's boss, alright? They were gettin a little uppity. Even the diver guy stopped bubblin, he's like 'bleh??' Then, they hid in the castle. And like all good times, it always ends when your grandma walks in, doesn't it? 'Get that dick outta the fishtank!! Time for supper!'
Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
I think we look back at times past with fondness because we were younger. Life had not yet begun pecking away at our innocence like buzzards on fresh road kill.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.
There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else's house.
If you have to work at McDonald's, good for you. But on a side note, good luck with the rest of your life.
You might be a redneck if you think a "quarter horse" is that ride in front of K-Mart.